I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
