I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
