If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
