My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
