How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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