I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
These tits shall not be calmed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
