can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
