I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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