On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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