so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
