you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
