trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
