Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize