No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
