You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just found puke in my bra..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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