seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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