I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
