I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
