He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
