Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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