she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize