I think my fart just growled at me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
