That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
