im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
