I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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