Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
