3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
