first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize