He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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