i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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