singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
