Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
