He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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