Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
