I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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