where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
