Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Randomize
