I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
