I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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