I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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