The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
