Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
