Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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