I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
