It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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