also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
