My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
