He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
