If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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