so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
