so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
