So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
