next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
