Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
