Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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