did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
