If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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