she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
