one might say we're banned from that church
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
