Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
