I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
