We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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