it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
