Soap is not a condiment
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
