she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
