I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Less talking, more tequila
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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