I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
