she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
