i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
